Challenges

Cycling (and any endurance sport, I would expect), is the kind of sport that allows for a fair amount of introspection, requiring the athlete to look inside herself for the next stride, the next stroke, the next finish line, the next race, the next goal. What's more, I am constantly asking myself if this is all I have to give, and whether I can - or WANT to - give more. And when I don't want to? Then what comes next?

Then I start looking at my options.

I just finished the book Born to Run. I don't want to go into it too much right now because I'm gearing up to read it a second time, after which I plan on having LOTS to say. But I'm beginning to realize what I really want out of cycling, sport, my life and myself. (Yes, those last two in particular are BIG, and certainly not prompted solely by the book - I've been stewing on all this for awhile now.) I want the challenge of the race, I want the relationships that racing brings. Equally important, though, is my desire for something new. Perhaps that is part of the challenge, but as I race the same races over again with the same competitors and the same courses, I can't help but think it's time to move on.

And perhaps this time the challenge will be just that - letting myself try something else, stray outside the lines I've drawn for myself, find my own new path. The saying goes something like, "You'll have more regret for the things you never tried than the things you did." But how do you pick what to try? They don't teach you that in kindergarten.

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep because I keep playing this weekend's mistakes over and over in my head. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about what I have to do to get stronger. To get smarter. To podium. To win. To do my teammates proud.

I can't sleep because my boyfriend gets home from Redlands in 24 hours or less. I can't sleep because my room is a mess but I don't have the energy to clean it. I can't sleep because I keep getting hungry again every hour. I can't sleep because I'm constantly thirsty.

I can't sleep because I keep thinking about life. About change. About living life to its fullest. About setting new goals. About setting real goals. About setting scary goals.

I can't sleep. But I have to try. Eventually, I'll get there. And then morning will come, too soon.